The Almost Proposal

I learned a tough lesson almost two years ago.

I am thick-skulled and stupid.  Stupid enough to keep God out of my life. 

Not something to be proud of.  I always regret the “reversed,” untraditional, odd pace at which my wife and I fell in love.  I wanted that tingly, love at first sight, I eventually woo and wow her with my wit and charm and ride off into the sunset story that only chick flicks provide. 

But no.

My wife fell in love with me first. 

 

This is really hard for me to admit, because it still bothers me.  It’s not supposed to go like that, right?  

Shakespeare said women “should be wooed and are not made to woo.”  My wife wooed me.  I was such an idiotic ball of stress and insecurities, I couldn’t stick my neck out and try to fall in love with a gorgeous, supportive woman who was my dear friend and always improved me.  The reasons were myiad and flimsy.  I kept waiting for a big cosmic neon sign to appear over her head.   In the meantime I gave ear to whispering doubts:

I’m still young and woefully unprepared to provide any semblance of financial security, should I even be looking for a serious relationship?   

If so, is she "the one?" (assuming such a thing exists) 

If I try, and we don’t work out, I lose a wonderful friend; is it worth the risk? 

Such were the nagging voices in my head.   

Seemed like legitimate concerns, but that was just from my own limited view.  Had I stopped trying to shout down God with my worries, I’m pretty sure things would have gone smoother.

I try to make up for it and tell her (and myself) that:

She loved me first, but I loved her fiercely. 

Maybe I should just say "she loved me first and I love her fiercely"

She still doesn’t believe me when I tell her this, but the night I told her I was in love with her (a great story for another time),

I wanted to propose then and there.

A few things kept me from doing so:

-          She hadn’t met my family, and had no idea what craziness she’d  marry into if she said yes.

-          Her family wasn’t exactly my fan club (they weren’t amused at my apparent wishy-washiness)

-          I hadn’t asked her dad’s permission (a terrifying prospect considering her family’s aforementioned disapproval)

-          I had no ring (I feel like you have to back up something like that with some legit hardware)

-          We were both in the middle of fall semester at different schools in cities 4 hours away from each other.

-          But most importantly, I had a dream proposal  - another great story for another time - (girls have dream weddings, guys have dream proposals… right guys? … right?) lined up (ring included) and I really wanted to set that up for her.  It’s the one thing the guy is left to do all on his own in the entire engagement/wedding/reception process.

So I held my tongue and locked my knees straight and waited.  But what I realize now is that had I just let myself be happy, let go of any misgivings and let myself love her, I might have loved her first.  For now, I just have to be content to love her as fiercely as possible every day and try to make up for lost time.  

Let go.  Let yourself be happy.  Whatever you think your timeline is, stay flexible.  You never know when you’ll find true happiness.

Any other skulls as thick as mine out there?

S